order

Today is my birthday and for the last few days leading up to it, I've been thinking about prior, memorable for various reasons, birthdays. I've never been good at celebrating them. Its has been my experience that I expect too much out of people, and generally end up disappointed. Hence, birthdays have never really been my thing.

When I was a kid my parents had to force me to participate in my own party, every year. There's an infamous picture of my from my 5th birthday where I'm crying while blowing out the candles.

On my 7th birthday I hid in a tree in my front yard while my friends, that my mom invited, were inside playing. After finding me, my dad made me come inside and open up gifts, and I spent the rest of the day wearing my bitchface.

On my 13th birthday it was raining. I walked home from the bus stop listening to The Counting Crows on my Walkman, and when I walked in the house was completely dark and no one was home. My older sister had a baby the day before, so my family was at the hospital with her. A random friend of our family dropped by that evening with a birthday cake for me.

At the time of my 21st birthday I was living with my ex-husband (not my ex-husband then, definitely my ex-husband now.) We had plans to go out for dinner and drinks to celebrate my birthday. While I was in the shower he went out for a bag of weed and didn't come home until the next day. I ate Taco Bueno for dinner, alone.

On my 25 birthday I was going through a divorce from the aforementioned husband, and I was living alone for the first time. My friends took me out, and we ran into a guy I was dating... and his girlfriend. I proceed to get embarrassingly drunk, and I threw up in my friends car at the end of the nite.

My 27th birthday was my favorite. I was 9 months pregnant, and I had no plans, other than to have dinner with Bryan. I talked to my brother on the phone several times that day, nothing out of the ordinary for us, and at one point I let him go so I could shower. My phone was ringing when I got out, and it was my brother again, asking me if I was out of the shower and dressed. "What the fuck kind of question is that? Of course I'm dressed, I wouldn't talk to you while I'm naked" I replied, at which time I heard my doorbell ringing, and I told him I needed to go because there was someone at my door, and I was in fact, not dressed. I quickly threw some clothes on and answered the door, and it was my brother. He drove 3 hours to have dinner with me on my birthday.

This year I was kind of expecting my shitty birthday trend to continue, but I woke up to an email from a company I interviewed with last week. They offered me a job. Not just any job though, my dream job.

So instead of being a pessimist all day, I'm going to get in a workout at the gym, and a barre class too. And then I'm going to buy something nice because god dammit I am proud of myself. This just might be my year after all.

west Texas

I'm officially a west Texan. I think I could write an entire book on the disasters that have taken place since I moved here, but I don't want to be a negative Nancy, so I'll share with you a few of the funnier ones, because laughing is good, n'est-ce pas?

- I went to the grocery store and I asked a worker, in the bakery department, where the pita bread was, and this mother fucker shrugged at me. I'm like "You don't know? You work here, yes?" to which he reposefully replied "Yep." right before smiling and walking off.

- The cable guy came to install my cable/internet, and he asked me to help him. I'm laughing out loud while typing this, because it was a lot more insane than it actually sounds. Like he literally needed help. "Here hold this. Push this button when I say so." And I had to pay for $100 for the installation. That I had to help with.

- I've made a friend here. She's 65, and she uses words like 'kinfolk' and 'yonder,' and we share a liking for unsweet tea. I just love her.

- I get ogled often, because there are a lot of men here who act like dogs. My favorite instance so far happened in line at a convenience store, when a guy started singing to me.

- I wanted to order a pizza the other day, but couldn't because the place I was going to order from closes at 9:40pm. WTF? Random.


And because blog posts without pictures are no fun, here's a photo of Midland, from space that Alexander Gerst posted on twitter the other day. The squares are oil/gas drill pads.

And for more fun, here's a google map of where I'm at. I feel like crying every time I look at it. I'm in the middle of nowhere!

luv

I'm feeling it.

jamais vu

I have so much to say here, and I don't know how. I feel like I'm floating through life right now in a surreal state, and nothing is familiar to me, even though it should be. It's the opposite of déjà vu, and it's called jamais vu.

The thing is, life is full of bends and turns, and sometimes they're planned, and sometimes they're unexpected, and sometimes, if you're lucky like me, they're both. Except, sometimes, usually late at nite, when I'm alone, I don't feel so lucky, and I start to second guess all of the choices I'm making.

I've crossed a lot of lines, and hurt a couple of people, probably disappointed even more, and I feel guilty because I'm a mom, and that's what we do.

So, in a week I move into a whole new chapter, and I'm crossing my fingers that it comes with less run on sentences.

Cabo Inn Hotel pt.1

I wanted to share some pictures of the hotel that I stayed at in Cabo, because it was truly remarkable. I booked the hotel one nite, after way too much wine, and definitely on a whim, and to be honest, I had booker's remorse (and a hangover) the next day.

Generally I'm a 5 star kind of girl when I travel, but lately I find myself placing more importance on experiencing things versus feeling comfortable. This place was unlike anywhere I've ever stayed. It's located in downtown Cabo San Lucas, within walking distance to so many things. And as advertised below, it's cheap!

The building is a typical hacienda style, with an open atrium, as soon as you walk in.

I'm not sure how many rooms are in the two main levels of the hotel, but they lined the atrium, and each one had a really cute name, and cozy little spots outside of them for hanging out, or eating.

So, if you're not impressed yet, go away. Just kidding. I'm saving the best for last. :) Tomorrow I'll show you the rooftop, where we stayed. Buenas noches! Hasta mañana!

pictures of lately + uncollected thoughts

I sleep better in a clean house//pool days, every day//art museum//morning hike//cicada


- I legitimately can't stop listening to The National. I get into music moods, but I think they might be my #3 favorite band of all time.

- Speaking of music, I'm daydreaming of going to ACL in October. :)

- Also related, because daydreaming, I really want to go to London right now. Like, so bad it makes my heart hurt a little bit when I think about it. Let's all just cross our fingers that I find a really awesome job as soon as I move, so that I can go soon.

- I graduate in 3 weeks. I can't even with this information. THREE WEEKS. All of the feels.

- I saw a film over the weekend called Boyhood. IT WAS SO GOOD. You should go see it.

- Tonite my daughter called me out, and told me to calm down while laughing at me. It felt like a grown up way for her to act and it made me sad.

- I'm so nostalgic for fall right now. I can't wait for it. I know it's only July. (Sad pants.) I just want to wear jeans and scarves!

- I got really mad at my insomnia the other nite and washed all of the pillows in my house, individually. I felt like a crazy person by the time I was done, but it was so nice to sleep on them afterward!

- I get to see one of my good friends tonite, that I haven't seen in over two months. Super excited.



So what's going on with you? Anything cool? new? exciting?

the in between

Happiness and sadness should not be allowed to coexist with the same space. How is this occurrence not breaking some sort of universal rule of life?

late nite bullshit

Laura tagged me in a post the other day, and these things are too fun to pass up, especially when you've been up practically all nite. -_- So let's do this. Happy Friday, friends. 

1. Share a self portrait of any media.

My feelings generally manifest themselves in a physical way that causes me to have bitchface. Sorry, not sorry.. it's whatever.

2. What is your dream job (money not being an object)?

I don't have one. I mean, I *think* I would be really good at naming make up and nail polish products, but that seems like a really unfulfilling existence. (I'm sorry if you do this for a living.) I just want a job that pays me to do things that matter.

3. What blog do you find most inspiring?

all of the ones I read, for different reasons. check them out here.

4. Who is your favorite author and why?

I don't have a favorite author. It's too hard to choose just one but here are a few of my favorite books:

The Law of Dreams, The Alchemist, The Logic of Life

5. If you could see any band play dead or alive, who would you see?

I dunno, music is my thing, so you would think this would be easy to answer, but there are just so many bands that I really love, and I don't know how to choose just one.. I guess Kings of Leon.

6. What is your favorite food?

lately, tacos & pho. I go through food moods.

7. Who is your biggest "celebrity" crush?

I'm pretty boy crazy. See here.

8. East Coast or West Coast?

BEST COAST.

9. What is your favorite summertime activity?

swimming! it's too hot in Texas to do much else during summer.

10. If you had not chosen parenthood, where do you think you would be right now?

Dead probably. I needed a child to not make bad choices. #sadbuttrue

11. What is your favorite quote?

In the right light, at the right time, everything is extraordinary. - Aaron Rose

shit my kid says

"I've just been thinking about finding the cat dead... and when he does die, we'll have to pick him up and put him on a pan, and leave him there until we can figure out the directions to heaven, because I don't know where it is."

after putting on a performance: "clap if you liked it, clap slowly if you didn't."

me: you're beautiful
emma: you're nosy!

"MOM! You look hideously gorgeous."

after telling her I wasn't going to the gym the other day she said "We have to go! I made plans to meet a friend there!"

gtfo

The last few weeks Emma & I have spent so much time outside. The weather here has been gentle this summer, or maybe I'm just used to it, finally, after 7 years. Either way, I ain't mad at it. I've spent more time outside this summer than past summers combined.

We've been going on long walks, long hikes, runs/scooter rides every day, even in the rain, even when it *seems* too hot, because fresh air is really underrated.

We were hiking tonite in our forest, and about a mile in and all I could hear was the sound of cicadas, all I could smell was earth, and all I could think about was the moment I was in.

I'm feeling alive, and vibrant even, lately, and I'll gladly take it.

happy things

I need a happy list in my life right now, so here goes:

- My bed makes me really happy. I think it's my favorite place in the house, which is kinda funny because I'm having trouble sleeping again lately, but I'm nothing if not oxymoronic, so it makes sense.

- DOGS. I know you're probably like what the fuck did I just read right now. I'm kind of shocked by this myself, but the thing is that a few months ago my friend went to coachella, and I went over to his apartment one day to let his dog out, and the dog is huge, so I was worried that she was going to drag me down the stairs when we went outside, but instead, she would go down a couple of stairs and then turn around to check on me, and it was just the cutest thing ever. Since then she (the dog) has kind of convinced me that maybe I need one.

- Maleficent. I saw it for the 3rd time this weekend. It gets me right in the feels.

- New shoes. I got a new pair of boots last week, and I broke them in today by wearing them while I deep cleaned my house. Two birds, one stone. Haha

- A good workout. I've been hitting the gym pretty hard lately, and I love how I feel after sweating it out. Endorphins are wonderful.

What's making you happy lately?

links

- these vintage french photos are so dreamy.

- this swimsuit is genius. I've always wondered why it's ok for men to go out in public without a shirt, but illegal for women to do so. Do you think that will ever change?

- this is my new favorite yoga pose. It's fun, and I find myself doing it at random times throughout the day.

- speaking of yoga, I'm really loving this youtube channel. the workouts are all free, and they're challenging, and she puts out a new one every week!

- 50 behind the scenes photos of old movies. These are all so cool!

- kids! they're hilarious!

- if you're on twitter, and you're not following Alexander Gerst, you're missing out.

- I'm obsessed with these hair products. I have been using the hot oil treatments and the argan oil serum for a few months, and they leave my hair so silky. I just picked up the bohemian waves mist last week, and I really like it. I was using the Not Your Mother's brand beach spray, or whatever the hell it's called, but it dried my hair out so bad. The thing I like most about this line is that the products are all natural and eco-friendly.


Happy almost Thursday guys! Make it a good one. :)

how they want me to be

I'm just going to leave this here.

l-o-l

random conversation with a friend the other day about how my Grandma was obsessed with Charlie Pride, and apparently he didn't pick up on my use of the past tense verb "was."

later on we're in a record store & he finds a Charlie Pride record & is like "hey, you should buy this for your Grandma!" & I start laughing, really loudly & yell "MY GRANDMA IS DEAD!" like a fucking maniac, who thinks dead grandmothers are a laughing matter.

late nite ramblings

- I'm officially (officially) moving on August 10th. I've lost track of how many times I've pushed the date back since this whole thing came about, but this is it. Emma will have to start school at the end of August, sooo there's no turning back now. Seven weeks.

- I had a really good weekend, aside from being kind of sick. I saw a concert with a friend, watched a lot of soccer, and belly laughed a handful of times. Belly laughing is truly one of my favorite things about being alive.

- My daughter has been drawing pictures of cactus everywhere, and unfortunately they look like dicks. Both my driveway and a sign she made for her garden at her grandparent's house are covered in giant hieroglyphic dicks.

- Lately I've taken note of how often I'm letting my emotions make my choices for me, and I mean, I know I'm a female, and we're known for doing that, but it bothers me. I've never been this way before. Generally, I let intellect/logic guide the way, but my life is in a very emotional state right now, and most days it seems like the universe is getting me right in the feels. I've been practicing taking a deep breathe before I respond to things, and also making more calculated decisions. In fact, since I've been consciously doing this, I've been fascinated with the idea of, or maybe just the word calculation. It seems robotic?

- This evening I asked Emma what she wanted to do for dinner, and she said "watch the sunset with you Mommy." She was away this weekend, and we didn't even talk for 2 days. It was good for both of us. So for dinner we had a sunset. It was delicious.

What have you been up to? Tell me something good.

magic

I've been skeptical of things in the spiritual and supernatural realms. I want to believe in something, but I'm a realist and I need manifestation.

***

The other day I was at the library, and while I waiting in line I was looking at their event calender. I saw that there was a magic show coming up. When I mentioned it to Emma later on in the day she got really excited.

That nite I was laying in bed thinking about her enthusiasm, and I wished that I lived in a world where magic existed, like she does.

The thing is, lately I've felt extremely hollow inside, and very much alone. I fell asleep wishing for something from the universe.

***

The following day it was cool and raining, so I opened up all of the windows, and lit some incense. I was doing homework when I looked up and noticed the wind billowing the incense smoke around. I sat down by the window and snapped a photo of it. When I looked at the picture I was puzzled.

I posted the photo to facebook and instagram, and everyone who commented on it saw something different, and I decided that this was some kind of psychological thing, where we were all seeing what we want to see.

I saw love.

I don't know what all of this means, or if it means anything at all, but it feels kind of magical.

What word do you see?

currently

listening to:

The Orwells - This band has a bit of a Misfits meets Ramones vibe. I've been listening to this album while running or when I'm feeling ragey. It makes me feel better instantly.
The Apache Relay - I heard Katie Queen of Tennessee while listening to a station on spotify, and I was hooked. There isn't a song on the album that I don't love, but I'm really digging #7, Forest for the Trees.
Nikki Lane - She's a little bit country and a little bit rock & roll, and a whole lot bad ass. I'm so sad that I can't go see her play tomorrow here in Dallas. (school! ugh!)
Solange - I'm just gonna throw this out there: I like her better than Beyoncé. It's a really good album, and it gives me the feels.


watching:

Louie - Season 4 is on tv now, and I look forward to it every Monday. Usually when I get hooked on a show, I'll record it and watch it later so I don't have to deal with commercials, but I can never wait! (currently writing this during the commercials. ha!) This is going to sound a little dramatic, but Louis CK has gotten me through a really tough month. When I feel like crying I'll watch old episodes of Louie or his stand up, or I'll turn on his stuff on spotify, and I laugh until I feel better.
Orange is the New Black - I binge watched over the weekend. I'm crushing on Taylor Schilling right now. She's so damn pretty.


eating:
Today I spent the whole day cooking. I've been really busy, and to avoid eating every meal out I decided to make some stuff in advance. I made this quinoa bake, which I had for dinner, and it was SO good. I also made a brisket using this recipe. I've never made brisket before, but it turned out really tender and juicy. I'm excited to throw it in a cabbage salad. Also, I'm addicted to hummus deviled eggs lately, I made 1/2 dozen of them today as well.


loving:

Running. I've been taking advantage of the beautiful trails here in my city, and after about 2-3 weeks of forcing myself to go, I'm now addicted. I had the best run tonite. I ran further (farther? too lazy to give a fuck about grammar right now.) than I ever have before without stopping, and when I was done I wanted to cry. I was so happy and proud of myself.


wearing:
my summer uniform has been a pair of cut offs, and one of these tanks, and these shoes. One of these days I'll become a real blogger and do an outfit post. ha!


What are you listening to/watching/eating/loving/wearing lately?

11 ?'s

Awhile back, Melissa tagged me in a post, and I can't sleep right now, so I'm seizing the opportunity to answer these questions:

1. What has been your most favorite vacation to date?
This is tough, because I love traveling, and I've never had a bad vacation, or been somewhere that I didn't really like. I'm going to have to go with London, 2010, because it was magical, and it came at a time when I really needed some magic in my life. It inspired me, and as a result, I don't think I would be where I'm at today if it weren't for that trip.

2. Do you prefer big city life, suburban life, or a life in the country?
I've only ever lived in the suburbs, soooo, yeah. However, I like to think I would be ok with any of the above. I'm pretty adaptable. (Says the girl who is prolonging a big move.)

3. What is your favorite type/genre of food?
I don't want to go too in depth here, because I'm starving, but it's probably a tie between tacos and green curry. I could never choose.

4. How would you typically dress yourself for a weekend night out?
My style is casual, with nice shoes, always.

5. Do you like to wear accessories?  If yes, what are your go-to accessories?
It really just depends on my mood, however I never leave home without a watch. 

6. How do you typically fix your hair? (Blow dry and straighten/curl? Air dry? Wash and go?)
This also depends on my mood? Lately I've been straightening my hair because my straightener broke awhile back, and I ended up replacing it with a Chi, which was really expensive, so I feel like I need to use it often to justify the expense. 

7. What make up do you wear on a daily basis? Do you have a preferred brand of cosmetics?
I don't ever do anything on a daily basis. If I'm not going anywhere important I don't put makeup on. But, I like Naked palettes for eyeshadow, Benefit products for brows, Kat Von D's liquid liner, and Dior mascara. Those are my basics. My makeup routine isn't very involved.

8. What is your preferred workout?  (Gym? Outdoor running? Yoga? Group classes? None? Etc…?)
Right now I do hot yoga, I run outside, and I do circuit/weight training at the gym. But if I had to choose just one, it would be yoga. I'm definitely addicted to yoga.

9. Where is your favorite place to shop online?
Amazon! You can find anything there, and the prices are so competitive. I once bought a book for TWO dollars. 

10. Do you enjoy entertaining guests in your home or would you prefer to be a guest and leave the hostessing to someone else?
Eh, I'd like to say that I'm indifferent, but I'm kind of a weirdo about what I eat, so I guess I prefer to be in charge of the menu, so that I have some say. 

11. What quality do you really value in your significant other?
In general, I need someone to keep me in check. I'm an asshole, and I can't respect someone that allows me to take advantage of them. So I guess, self respect.

weekend stuff

First, I just want to say that I'm completely aware of the giant elephant in the room, and right now I'm not ready to talk about it. I hope you understand. I'm having trouble writing here lately, because I don't know where to start, so I'm just going to ramble for a bit.

How was your weekend?

On Friday I took Emma to see Maleficent (read: I made Emma go see Maleficent with me.) and you guys, it was the best movie. I loved it so much. It was so relevant to the things that are going on with me right now, and I took it as a sign from the universe. (#crypticasfuck)

Emma spent the rest of the weekend with her Grandparents, so on Saturday I went to yoga at the studio, and then the gym for some weight training. After my workout I went into the sauna, where someone let me know my pants were on inside out. -_- Speaking of fitness though, I've been pretty hardcore at the gym and yoga lately, and I'm seeing changes in my body, which is such a good feeling. I'm doing things in yoga that used to seem impossible.

Saturday nite I went out with a friend, and had way too much fun, including but not limited to: Denton's version of moscow mules, a haunted bridge after dark, and taking a dog swimming. I might still be recovering from it.

On Sunday, Emma graduated from pre-kindergarten! The kids performed a recital before the graduation ceremony, and as I was recording it, I was zoomed in on Emma, and it was the most surreal moment I've ever experienced. It was as if I was watching myself. Sometimes I'm still blown away by the fact that I created a human being, and that she looks and acts just like me. Life is weird.

eleven minutes

"..she went over and over what she would say
to him, until she found the right way to begin a story
that would never end."

(I'm obsessed with Paulo Coelho right now.)

everything

because sometimes you just have to take a break from life to be silly, even if it is past bed time.

by the sea

I have an innate ability to turn beautiful things into very morbid, metaphoric massacres.

I spent the weekend staring at the ocean, and all I could think about was Emily Dickinson's poem, By The Sea.

I decided that if ever I want to die, I'll go to Land's End, and just surrender myself to the waves.

HI. HAPPY WEDNESDAY. I have so much to tell you.

the hollie show

SCENE:
sitting on my living room floor, drinking rum, listening to crackerfarm videos on Youtube, studying for my last final, talking to a friend about life things.

CUE:
mental/emotional breakdown I've been putting off for weeks.

16 more hours until I can breathe autonomously. #pleasepray

a story about coffee

I've never really been much of a coffee drinker because I usually prefer tea, but also, I don't know how to use a coffee machine. (is that even what they're called? haha) I had a job once where my boss expected me to make coffee, and quickly asked me to stop doing so. I could just never figure it out.

Bryan bought me a French press for Christmas last year, and it has been a game changer. Why do we feel the need to over complicate things?! The French press doesn't even require electricity! So now that I can make a decent cup of coffee on my own, I've become quite the connoisseur.

Generally, I buy a good, flavored coffee and I take it black, or sometimes with a splash of milk, because I fancy myself a minimalist, so you can imagine my surprise when a couple of weeks ago, a friend made me a cup of coffee with butter and coconut oil in it. I thought he was nuts, and even made a Paula Dean joke, but quickly retracted after tasting it. It was so, so good. He tried telling me it was healthy, and I didn't believe it, so I looked it up for myself, and it turns out that like everything else on the interwebz, there is conflicting information, so it could be? I say positive thinking, people! Ignorance is delicious, and frothy bliss.

Anyway, if you feel the need to try it out, and you should, here's what to do:

Brew 16 oz of coffee. Add it to a blender with 1/2 tbsp unsalted, butter (preferably from grass fed cows) and 1/2 tbsp of coconut oil. Blend. Enjoy.

au contraire

Sometimes I do silly things right before finals, like drive 5 hours just to hang out with my guy for a few days, for no reason other than I missed him. :)

So, naturally, on Saturday, Emma & I took a very impromptu trip to see Bryan, and can we just talk about Midland for a minute?

-There is a very distinct population of crazy people there. Some of them hang out outside of Bryan's hotel room every day! Some of them might even work at the hotel, because only a crazy person would steal your change and leave you 4 Bud Lights in return, right? (let's get real. the joke is on whoever did this, because 4 beers do not = a handful of change, even if they are shitty beers!)

-I experienced my first real dust storm. I had no idea those were even a thing. Sand grit in your mouth is disgusting.

-The local economy there is really weird. Most of the labor force is made up of skilled workers, due to oil & gas related jobs, and there aren't enough unskilled workers, so basically customer service everywhere you go is kinda blah, and the wait is ridiculous. I mean, we waited an hour for THREE MILKSHAKES. This is a real problem, and I am obviously going to have to learn patience.. or never eat out. I'm not sure yet. Also related: everywhere there is hiring. Everywhere.

- Sundays. So most places are closed on Sundays. The natural grocery store, restaurants, gyms, etc. I get that this is the South, but gah, people want to do things on Sundays. At least I do!


Anyway - Countdown til I move is 33 days! haha I can't wait.

shit my kid says

- "Dancing skills are easy mom. You just have to pick a move, then make it groove."

- "Michaela says she can talk to animals. She's coming over today to see what's wrong with the cat." (our cat is decidedly an outdoor cat, so he goes missing for a day or two at a time, and it really bothers Emma that he doesn't want to be here with us all the time, haha!

- "You're the prettiest mommy I've ever had."

- "I like you, but I prefer Dad."

- I overheard her singing Bob Marley, but instead of "Exodus" she was singing "pixie dust.. movement of the people."

spirit animals

I'm already getting nostalgic about leaving North Texas, and I'm not even gone yet. I know that in a new region, I'll find new things to appreciate, but I'm really not sure what a life without creatures of the bovine sort will be like. I just really need a cow in my life. Or a buffalo. Somebody get this girl a farm!

weekend stuff

Bryan came back and surprised me for the second weekend in a row (!) and when we went to pick up Emma from his parents house on Saturday she was so, so happy to see him. He asked her how much she missed him & she replied "way more than much." It was the sweetest thing ever.

Saturday nite we colored eggs in martini glasses. And after we put Emma to bed we went outside to have a beer, when a little bunny came hopping by. Bryan went in and woke up Emma so she could see it, and she was convinced that it was the Easter bunny. The whole damn thing was just magical.