a year in west Texas

27 September, 2015

For the last year I've been avoiding my blog, basically pushing all of my thoughts into a little corner in my mind, until finally they piled up so high that I had to acknowledge their existence. 

I spent the better part of that year mourning the loss of the past, carrying it around inside of me, like a tree, heavy with iced over branches. And then one nite, I was cooking dinner, and thinking about how much damage I was doing by trying to hold on to something that no longer even exists.

I once read an article about how successful people aren't nostalgic, and while I do like to wallow around in something old every now and then - I 100% get it. These feelings don't really serve you. For me, nostalgia can be crippling and is almost always the catalyst for my cycles of depression. When I notice myself getting sad about the past being over, I divert my thoughts to things I'm looking forward to, or that I would like to accomplish. And now, especially now, because I know I more than likely won't be moving back, North Texas is kind of like the one that got away. We had a chance, but it's gone, and we could try to make it work again, but we've both changed so much since we were in love with one another, and if things didn't work out the second time, it would just hurt twice as bad. MOVING ON.

The last year has been good, if we're talking about the bright side of things. I repaired what was once a very broken marriage, I watched the sun set and rise, in the middle of the desert - miles away from civilization - a few times, I listened to my daughter read me countless bedtime stories, I swam in the Rio Grande, I ate meals that I will remember for the rest of my life, I missed Texas while riding the subway in Chicago, I missed Chicago while climbing mountains in Texas, I saw The Avett Brother and Sturgill Simpson twice, I bought a house, I let go of things and people that were toxic, I walked through caves under the surface of the earth, and hiked between canyon walls that are millions of years old, I saw old friends, and made new ones. I could go on for a whole day, which is reason enough to smile and quietly thank the universe. The bad side of things seems so small, in comparison.

Anyway, hello. It's been too long.