this is water

I feel like to appropriately tell this story I have to start with a preface.

Midland isn't like anything you could imagine. It is an oil town, and up until recently it was a small town. However with advances in technology, oil companies saw $$$ out here, and people began to migrate here for jobs because it's a very high paying industry. There's no way that this town could accommodate to the growing population in a timely manner, and subsequently there were a lot of economic woes to follow because of overcrowding. Unfortunately, because no one wants to (can afford to) live here unless they're in the oil industry, other industries suffer. For example, I had a broken stove for over a month because the property management where I live can't find maintenance workers. No one cares. Want to go out to eat? Be prepared to endure a long wait (2 hours on a weekend), and also be prepared for sub par customer service. No one cares. In a rush at the grocery store? Don't be, because there are only 3 (stores) and 150,000 people who are also in a hurry, and we're all just going to have to wait. The icing on the shit cake is that it's really ugly and boring here. The land is just flat dirt, there's no real grass, no trees, just mesquite bushes, the water smells like rotten eggs, and the air smells like hydrogen sulfide. It's boring because no one wants to be here long (we're all here to make a quick buck, and then go) so people don't really invest in starting new businesses. There are movie theaters, a bowling alley, and a mall that literally has a ROSS in it (LOL).

I think I've painted a good enough picture. It's the ugly step child of Texas. This isn't a post about how much I hate where I live. I've been here for 7 months, and it took me 6 of them to stop being angry that I ended up here. Everyone that knows me has told me to just shut the fuck up or move at some point during the last 6 months, and I've thought about it, (moving, not shutting the fuck up.) In October I came really close to enrolling in grad school, just for a reason to leave. I spent a lot of sleepless nites thinking about how much I missed my old home, and how I'd give up the money and opportunity to just go back to living somewhere that made me happy, because isn't that what life is all about? But there was a nagging question in the back of my mind; what kind of example would I be setting for my daughter if I quit something just because it was hard?

Life isn't just about being happy. I've learned this through years of depression. Life is about cycles; good and bad, and lessons, and endurance, and seriously, someone just life hire me as a life coach already.

When I started thinking about what I could learn in my time here, I felt a shift and I wasn't angry anymore. I'm trying to learn patience, most of all, but I'm also realizing that all situations come with advantages and disadvantages, and someday I'm going to miss right now, regardless of how hard it feels right now. I'm learning to appreciate things for what they are. (Despite my 3am twitter rants about waking up to the smell of hydrogen sulfide!)

I watched this video the other day and it was a much needed reminder that we have the ability to make a choice about how we react to life. I wanted to post it here, because I know we all reach a point in life when things get tough, and we forget what is important.

Happy Wednesday, friends. Today I'm choosing to be happy. I hope you will too. :)

jamais vu

I have so much to say here, and I don't know how. I feel like I'm floating through life right now in a surreal state, and nothing is familiar to me, even though it should be. It's the opposite of déjà vu, and it's called jamais vu.

The thing is, life is full of bends and turns, and sometimes they're planned, and sometimes they're unexpected, and sometimes, if you're lucky like me, they're both. Except, sometimes, usually late at nite, when I'm alone, I don't feel so lucky, and I start to second guess all of the choices I'm making.

I've crossed a lot of lines, and hurt a couple of people, probably disappointed even more, and I feel guilty because I'm a mom, and that's what we do.

So, in a week I move into a whole new chapter, and I'm crossing my fingers that it comes with less run on sentences.

the in between

Happiness and sadness should not be allowed to coexist with the same space. How is this occurrence not breaking some sort of universal rule of life?

late nite ramblings

- I'm officially (officially) moving on August 10th. I've lost track of how many times I've pushed the date back since this whole thing came about, but this is it. Emma will have to start school at the end of August, sooo there's no turning back now. Seven weeks.

- I had a really good weekend, aside from being kind of sick. I saw a concert with a friend, watched a lot of soccer, and belly laughed a handful of times. Belly laughing is truly one of my favorite things about being alive.

- My daughter has been drawing pictures of cactus everywhere, and unfortunately they look like dicks. Both my driveway and a sign she made for her garden at her grandparent's house are covered in giant hieroglyphic dicks.

- Lately I've taken note of how often I'm letting my emotions make my choices for me, and I mean, I know I'm a female, and we're known for doing that, but it bothers me. I've never been this way before. Generally, I let intellect/logic guide the way, but my life is in a very emotional state right now, and most days it seems like the universe is getting me right in the feels. I've been practicing taking a deep breathe before I respond to things, and also making more calculated decisions. In fact, since I've been consciously doing this, I've been fascinated with the idea of, or maybe just the word calculation. It seems robotic?

- This evening I asked Emma what she wanted to do for dinner, and she said "watch the sunset with you Mommy." She was away this weekend, and we didn't even talk for 2 days. It was good for both of us. So for dinner we had a sunset. It was delicious.

What have you been up to? Tell me something good.

weekend stuff

First, I just want to say that I'm completely aware of the giant elephant in the room, and right now I'm not ready to talk about it. I hope you understand. I'm having trouble writing here lately, because I don't know where to start, so I'm just going to ramble for a bit.

How was your weekend?

On Friday I took Emma to see Maleficent (read: I made Emma go see Maleficent with me.) and you guys, it was the best movie. I loved it so much. It was so relevant to the things that are going on with me right now, and I took it as a sign from the universe. (#crypticasfuck)

Emma spent the rest of the weekend with her Grandparents, so on Saturday I went to yoga at the studio, and then the gym for some weight training. After my workout I went into the sauna, where someone let me know my pants were on inside out. -_- Speaking of fitness though, I've been pretty hardcore at the gym and yoga lately, and I'm seeing changes in my body, which is such a good feeling. I'm doing things in yoga that used to seem impossible.

Saturday nite I went out with a friend, and had way too much fun, including but not limited to: Denton's version of moscow mules, a haunted bridge after dark, and taking a dog swimming. I might still be recovering from it.

On Sunday, Emma graduated from pre-kindergarten! The kids performed a recital before the graduation ceremony, and as I was recording it, I was zoomed in on Emma, and it was the most surreal moment I've ever experienced. It was as if I was watching myself. Sometimes I'm still blown away by the fact that I created a human being, and that she looks and acts just like me. Life is weird.

the hollie show

SCENE:
sitting on my living room floor, drinking rum, listening to crackerfarm videos on Youtube, studying for my last final, talking to a friend about life things.

CUE:
mental/emotional breakdown I've been putting off for weeks.

16 more hours until I can breathe autonomously. #pleasepray

a little bit of lately

- I've been on spring break, and it's just been great. I have gotten so much done, but I've also had fun, and I've been lazy here and there. A good balance. Spring break also means I'm halfway done with this semester!

- speaking of school, I graduate in august! I have 2 easy summer semesters, and I'm done. I can hardly believe it.

- speaking of august, I'm moving to Midland, Texas in august. The week after I graduate.

- oh yeah, Midland! Bryan is moving there in one week, and I'll be spending the spring/summer as a real single parent. -_- 

- I applied to kindergarten programs for Emma last nite, and I'm feeling so emotional as a result. There's just so much going on in august, it definitely feels like a new chapter, and naturally I'm nostalgic about the one I'm ending, even though I'm feigning indifference to fake myself and Emma out. haha

What's going on in your orbit?

ps. I'm not in the business of apologizing, but I have been way too lazy to configure my sd card from my camera to my new laptop, please forgive me for the crappy instagram photos, unless you're into that sort of thing.. and then you can follow along here for more. Happy weekend!